So Fortunate
by Apple Senorita
Summary: A oneshot charting the events of Connor and Angel's strained relationship. About Angel making those difficult choices to keep his beloved son safe...Kinda sad, it made me cry writing it.


AS: Hey. I wanted to post an angsty, sad songfic about Angel and Connor and here it is! This is my best shot! So please, no flames!

I'd like to know what you think though.

**IMPORTANT: After every verse bit of italics (song lyrics), a new event begins, often with quite a bit of time set in between them. Hope you don't get too confused. **

(the song lyrics are not mine, they are from the song So Fortunate by Adema)

* * *

_I never thought I was strong enough,_

_To handle raising my own son,_

_You'll always fear what you've never done,_

_I hope he'll know me when I come home. _

"You've got your Mum's eyes. And her smile," Angel said, softly. He smiled and put his hand on the baby gently, rubbing the little chest. Connor gurgled and kicked his legs about, arms waving as if firmly agreeing with everything his Daddy said and ever had to say. Angel lifted the teddy from the armchair.  
"Look. Look what Daddy got you. Might get you to go sleep. How about it?"  
Connor squealed delightedly and blinked up at his father.  
"You're just a little too awake to be sleeping, aren't you?" Angel chuckled. He lifted his son up and walked slowly about the room with him, stopping to show him things on the shelves. He noticed a ceremonial dagger and slid it onto the top shelf out of sight. Connor began to tire and bawled in Angel's protective hold, waving his arms around in not so much agreement but rather frustration.  
"Ah, ah, alright, alright," Angel lunged for the bottle and flipped the top of one-handed, "Here we go, here we go,"  
He gave Connor his bottle, which lasted about five seconds in the boy's mouth before screaming sounded around it.  
"Ok, you don't want food? Alright…you need your diaper changed? No, wait, I've just done that. Come on Connor I'm sure you just want you bottle-"  
Connor screamed so loudly his face went puce. A face appeared at the doorway, although this one was green, not puce.  
"Honestly Angel, you're son's got a pair of lungs on him!"  
Angel looked up, and a proud, goofy smile appeared on his face, "He does, doesn't it?"  
The screaming went up a notch and both Lorne and Angel winced.

_Nothing's gonna change my love for you._

_I love my child, _

_He's got his mother's smile, _

_I'm so fortunate, so fortunate._

_Life can get tight,_

_But I will make it right,_

_I'm so fortunate, so fortunate._

Angel's voice rang in his ears, in his head, thrumming down to his dead heart, "No! No! Connor!"  
His baby screamed from Holtz's arms over the lightning and burning, angry red. Holtz jumped, engulfed by the wound in the air. The slash of fire tearing the night sky faded slowly to an muted orange glow and disappeared. The night went quiet.  
"Oh God. Connor,"  
Angel lay on his side, staring at the empty space. He heard the engine of Wes' car start up, tyres skidding on the tarmac. His arms clutched to his chest, holding onto his ribs.  
"Connor. Connor, no, "  
Dust blew into his eyes and pricked tears that seemed to come from his heart and just wouldn't stop.

_I love my child, _

_He's got his mother's smile, _

_I'm so fortunate, so fortunate._

_Life can get tight,_

_But I will make it right,_

_I'm so fortunate, so fortunate._

Angel stepped over a charred beam, the smoking ash searing the souls of his shoes. Smoke curled from the walls and cracked ceiling. He took one more stop, vaguely recognising the carpet that had been ripped to shreds. He drew up beside the light-wood crib. Empty. Angel didn't breathe, or move. His eyes were trained solely on the rumpled blanket in his child's bed, the broken mobile that had been snapped and fallen onto the soft mattress. Angel leant in and picked out the small animals, crouching down and lining them up on the floor at his feet, smoothing the soft sheets out. He pulled his hand away and put it on his knee, then covered his face with it. The other gripped into the bars of the crib, holding so tight the wood strained under his hold. All he wanted was to see Connor's soft smile between the bars. All he wanted was to see Darla reflected in the blue eyes of his baby.

_I had to learn what meant more to me,_

_My family's become everything,_

_I miss you more than you'll ever know,_

_I wish that I could just leave, come home._

"Hi, Dad,"  
Angel could feel the weapon in his son's arms trained on his heart.  
"Connor,"

_Nothing's gonna change my love for you._

"Come on, come on, you got it?" Angel laughed, bouncing on the balls of his feet, holding his fists up. Connor cocked his head, a smile on his face, then lunged with a right-hook.  
"Whoa!" Angel grinned, moving backwards. He struck out with a fake punch. Connor leapt back, laughing as he felt his back touch the dumpster. He turned and jumped up on it. His Dad followed him. Connor's laugh rang out around the alley. They knocked a few soft punches back and forth before Connor jumped, spinning, from the dumpster top. Angel landed behind him, tapping Connor's shoulder with his knuckles. Connor grinned, swatted his Dad's fist away and made a fake punch for his chin.  
The darkness swam around them, contended. Angel watched Connor's face. His dark hair and smooth skin. His mother's smile. His mother's eyes. Angel laughed into the wind and dodged a punch. He couldn't believe how happy it made him to see his son smile  
"Whoa, close!"

_Nothing's gonna change my love for you._

Angel looked up dazedly at the figure above him. Connor?  
"You killed him," the teenager said evenly. His voice reverberated inside Angel's metal prison.  
"No. No Connor I didn't-"  
"He's lying," Justine cut in. Connor didn't look to have noticed anything either of them had said.  
"You killed my father,"  
"No Connor I didn't. Connor! I love you, never forget that,"  
Connor reached down and with Justine, lifted the lid into place. Justine began to weld the bolts into place. Angel stared up at Connor's face through the wire mesh. His son disappeared. Seconds, agonizingly slow, passed before he felt himself moving backwards. His head smacked against the back of his metal coffin as it hit the surface of the water. For a moment he danced on the water, as if the ocean was impenetrable, then the entire thing tilted and Angel felt the rush of the water swallowing him whole.

_Nothing's gonna change my love for you._

"I love you Connor," Angel said, shaking his head, the hands holding Connor's shirt weak enough to tremble. His son watched him keenly, carefully, cautiously, "Now get out of my house,"

_I never thought I was strong enough,_

_To handle raising my own son,_

_You'll always fear what you've never done,_

_I hope he'll know me when I come home. _

Angel stood at his window, watching the dark city of LA sing with life. The breeze blew the curtains around him, and made the mobile above the empty crib in the corner swing. Thoughts moved around his head cluttering up any space for rational ideas. Angel looked over his shoulder towards the crib his son had once occupied. Not that Connor could even sit in there now without being cramped. He narrowed his eyes to try and block out the hot pain in his cold heart. He moved towards the crib, placing his hands gently onto the top of the bars. He knew Cordelia had thought he'd packed it away. He had, essentially. But put it up again a little later. The smooth wood was cool and comforting. He leant a hand in and pulled out the blanket laying inside it. Not the one Connor had usually been wrapped in. That…well he had no idea where that had gone. Angel shook his head. He never once regretted having Connor. He knew how lucky he was to have a son. He just wished it didn't hurt so much.

_I had to learn what meant more to me,_

_My family's become everything,_

_I miss you more than you'll ever know,_

_I wish that I could just leave, come home._

"You let him take me!" Connor screamed, the tears streaking, tearing down his face. He bit back his noise and stared at the father's tense face. Angel shook his head, "No. Connor I didn't let him. I tried. I tried to get you back. All I wanted was you back,"  
"No," Connor shook his head, turning around and reaching for the wires.  
Angel lashed out at the back of his head, ripping the wires from Connor's stomach.  
"No!" Connor cried hoarsely as his escape scattered across the marble floor of the sports shop, broken. Connor turned and scrambled for the rest of the wires. Angel clutched the cool knife in his hand before throwing it downwards. Connor dropped to the floor as it slammed into his thigh. He clutched his leg before being thrown onto his back. Angel stared down into his son's eyes. A while ago they had been empty. Now they shimmered with everything his son wanted, everything Angel had wanted to give him. He'd just never got the change. Angel shook his head, drew back his knife, and lashed his arm across Connor's throat.

_I love my child! _

_He's got his momma's smile! _

_I'm so fortunate, so fortunate!_

_Life can get tight,_

_But I will make it right,_

_I'm so fortunate, so fortunate._

'I had everything,' he thought. 'I had something to do. I had a prophecy to fulfil, and something that every father has to do. To look after their child,'  
Angel looked up through the paned window towards the happy family at the dinner table. The man in the work-shirt with the top buttons undone, ruffled Connor's hair. Connor, in his blue and black striped top laughed and ran his hand through his hair, "Dad come on," he laughed. The mother held up her glass, "A toast. To our son Connor, for being the bright, intelligent, brilliant son that he is,"  
Connor smiled ruefully and chinked his glass against everyone else's.  
"Thanks Mom,"  
The mother's brown eyes regarded Connor fondly.  
Angel, on the other side of the glass gave a small smile, 'And that's what I'm doing,'

_Nothing's gonna change my love for you_

"Nice work on the case," Lilah sighed, handing the file over, "Is Connor sorted out?"  
Lorne looked up from his drink, "Whose Connor?"  
Angel took the folder and turned towards his office. He felt the blue eyes on Connor's profile photo in the folder burn holes through the cardboard.  
"It's nothing Lorne,"  
Angel headed down the corridor to his office. He'd never regret having his son. He'd never forget, either.

* * *

AS: Review please! 


End file.
